Six Novembers

Six Novembers
On November 1, 2013, we buried our daughter. 
2 months and 8 days we cared for her. Fought to give her a real life, not one shadowed by the horrifying knowledge that it would end far too soon. We walked into the joyful holiday season broken.

On November 1, 2014 we were newly expecting our son.
7 months we worked through the embryo adoption process, desperate to fill the physical void left in our home. An empty crib. An unused room. Broken hearts now pasted insecurely together with thin hope and threatened by anxiety. 

On November 1, 2015 we joyfully entered the holiday season as a family of 4. 
The relief of holding our healthy son brought with it a flood of grief that had been carefully packed away. Guilt, sadness, confusion, mostly hidden to the world that saw our family now “fixed.”

On November 1, 2016, we grieved the failure of our 2nd embryo adoption. 
Once again striving forward, tucking away the loss to push forward yet again. Day after day surviving until our arms might once again hold the physical manifestation of our hearts desires.

On November 1, 2017 it was quiet. 
No baby. And, soon after, no hope in trying again. 

On November 1, 2018 I entered the holidays tentatively content. 
Months of sorting through the anger and disillusionment, the physical aftermath of a drawn-out FET, and the overwhelming “what nows” finally gave way to an exhale of bottled up expectations.

Waiting for the flood of emotions. Dreading the wave of sadness. 
Instead, I found a joy that I had fought hard against many times before. A comfort with the grief. A coming to terms with our disappointments in a way not marred with bitterness. A heart broken for the brokenness of the world, not just for my own longings. 

I don’t know what November 1, 2019 holds for our family, but I trust that God will continue growing me and stretching my faith in ways that will bring Him greater glory than I would know how to do on my own.

I just wanna be mad

I wrote the following post about a year ago.  At the time, I was experiencing a lot of anger and bitterness.  In grief, you don't get to check off each of the stages and then graduate...some run their courses quickly, others linger; some you think you've dodged entirely, only to be faced with them when you least expect.  And grief makes sense soon after a loss.  But at some point, it makes a little less sense. To the world, to those close, and even to yourself.

When I wrote this, it felt too raw to reveal.  Admitting to anger might evoke a response from well-meaning loved ones that I just wasn't ready for.  Honestly, I still needed the anger because it masked the sadness a bit.  I'm the kind who has a song for everything, and "I just wanna be mad" was on repeat in my head.

But we sang "Ressurecting" again today and I came back to search for what I had written in my darkness.  I wept again.  But I didn't feel that same swell of bitterness.

Don't get me wrong - I still haven't graduated.  I'm certain that my grief will take many more twists and turns.  I'm just on a different part of the journey right this moment.  Being able to look in the rear view mirror at this, it seems somehow important to share.

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I've admitted before to having my arms crossed...in the face of all the blessings and mercies, I needed to admit that I was angry.  And I stayed there for a while.

But I caught myself laughing last week.  Feeling carefree with the car windows open, belting my off-key version of She'll Be Comin' Round the Mountain as we barreled down Bastanchury toward home.

And suddenly I was weeping.  Faced with the strangest sensation of wanting to be happy - to  relish the levity of the moment - yet torn by the reality that, for some reason, I couldn't.  And then I said aloud (thankfully not loud enough for the kids to hear) "I just miss her too damn much."

And there you have it.  What I know and don't understand.  What seems obvious but unreasonable.  How can I possibly carry on, carefree and silly, when my Annabelle isn't with me? We have fun.  We play and smile and laugh together.  But I always catch myself eventually.  Because somewhere inside it's not ok.

It's hard for me to even explain why it's still a struggle.  It made sense 2 years ago.  But then we were in the throws of adoption and, no matter how aware of my emotions I tried to be, much of my grief was stowed away until I had more time to think about it.  And just about a year ago it started to bubble up again.  But a newborn doesn't give you much time to worry about yourself, so there it stayed.

Now we've gotten settled into more normal routines.  My kiddos are wonderful and my life should return to normal.

But normal isn't normal and I don't even want it to be.  Am I supposed to be back to "how I was"?
Have my pre-baby body back?  Have my pre-tragedy handle on emotion back (which, ps, I'm not sure I ever really had)?  Even have the groove of having two kids back?  Because I've already had two kids, remember?  But it is hard in new ways, and I doesn't feel the same.  Even worse, the few times I've caught myself feeling like "my old self," ended in guilt.  Guilt for momentarily forgetting my pain, perhaps? I don't even know.

Most of the people I interact with on a daily basis don't know my struggles.  They don't know that it still stings to be around blissfully happy pregnant woman.  They don't know how it aches to answer the "how many kids do you have" question (I know I have said this so many times but it HURTS).  They never knew me before.  They never knew Annabelle.

And I fight myself every day.  I don't always want to bring up my loss.

But I always want to bring her along with me.

I wish that every time someone told me how beautiful my kids were, I could show them a picture  of her and say, "She would have been beautiful too."

...

And then there's the guilt of not being happy.  I have amazing kids and a husband who loves me.  Things are wonderful.  How could I waste such a beautiful time being sad?

Pretty soon all that internal argument and guilt turn back into anger.  Anger that she is gone.  Anger that the world doesn't see her. Anger that the world doesn't see me.  And can I tell you about the guilt I've felt over even caring what the world thinks???

And so I just wanted to be mad for a while...again.

I'm not entirely sure where I am right now.  Somewhere between arms crossed and arms lifted high.

During worship on Sunday we sang...
By Your spirit I will rise
From the ashes of defeat
The resurrected king
Is resurrecting me
In Your name I come alive
To declare your victory
The resurrected king
Is resurrecting me

Many days I feel defeated.  Defeated by sadness, by anger, by the world, by myself.  I found myself thinking that one day I'd wake up and be able to worship freely again.  To sing without worry of misplaced guilt or invisible judgement.

But the reality is, I can do that today.  In my sadness.  In my worry.  In my anger.  In my defeat.  He hasn't resurrected me and walked away.  He IS resurrecting me.  I may be an emotional mess, but He can handle it.  I may not even trust Him every moment.  But He already knows that.  I'm not hiding anything from Jesus.  I can't fake Him out by putting on a smile or just showing up.

...

I'm pretty sure I haven't written in a long while because I wanted to write this down when I was "over it."  Perhaps I wanted to provide 20/20 hindsight of a journey neatly packaged with lessons learned.  But then maybe I wouldn't have gotten as much from writing as I did in the middle of the mess.  It's not the most fun way to spend the rare time when both kids are napping.  But it's important for me to get it out.  Whether or not I share this with the world, it was worth the time to think and express what is so often smooshed up inside.  Honestly, it's much simpler to take care of everyone else than it is to take care of myself.

Not my testimony

Let me start by admitting that I’ve never given a testimony.  In fact, it’s almost humorous how in each of the small groups I’ve been in, there was always some scheduling issue that prevented me from getting to my story during testimony times…so why start now?  I dislike labels anyway…all this is is a little picture of how God has and continues to work in my life.  I hope you hear my heart beyond just whatever details I share, and that you can see God’s hand throughout. 

We started going to church when I was in elementary school, and I was baptized when I was 13.  However, I had no idea of what I was really committing my life to and I pretty much turned my back on God over the next several years. 

It wasn’t until I was married that I began to understand the magnitude of grace I’d been afforded and I began to embrace a real relationship with God. 

It wasn’t until I had Makayla 5.5 years ago that I began to grasp the unconditional love He offers. 

It wasn’t until I had Annabelle 3.5 years ago, and experienced the torment of her illness and death that I could glimpse the magnitude of His sacrifice. 

It wasn’t until we closed the door on the risk of passing on our genetics again and embraced the idea of adoption that I recognized just how little control I actually had.

And it wasn’t until walking through embryo adoption and welcoming Corinth into our family 1.5 years ago that I began to see just how little I actually trusted God.

But God is far more than a crisis manager.  I could go on about how He held us through the darkness- and continues to – because I can’t explain why else I’m here.  I certainly can’t skip over how death and adoption have changed my life and perspective of God forever, but I’m not going to stay there either, because then it might come across as a just a story about a time…something unrelatable.  Instead, I want to focus on what He’s doing right now. 

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A couple weeks ago, I saw a cheesy meme that said “Until God opens the next door, praise Him in the hallway.”  I usually don’t pay any attention to memes unless they’re funny, but those words stuck in my head and echoed over the next several days.  I hate to admit that God spoke to me through a meme, but I was convicted. 

So often, I find myself striving for the next thing, forgetting that so much of life is really just a hallway.   In this realization, God filled me with such a sense of grace that my life – however mundane the details, is valuable.  Today, in spite of what I may be longing for, is worth as much as tomorrow.

So let me back up and tell you a bit about how I got here.

After Makayla was born, I felt a tangible understanding of God’s love that I’d never experienced before.  Soon, we were eager to have the next baby – it was a natural progression for us.  We knew what to expect and we were so eager to bring home a sister for Makayla.  We had a moment of perfection.  But when we got Annabelle’s diagnosis of Spinal Muscular Atrophy just 6 days after she was born, we were shattered.  We brought her home and made the best life we could for her.  But so many moments, I felt I was already grieving her, already mourning all the life she wouldn’t live.  Death had taken the joy from the expectation of what would come next.  We got 2 months and 8 days with her.

We were driven to make our next decisions, not because we were excited to open the next door, but because it was dark and scary in the hallway.  That is by no means to diminish how God showed us mercy in the miracle of embryo adoption.  There was so much beauty in it.  But, looking back, I have to acknowledge how much more we had to learn.

He did bless us abundantly.  And He did cover us with His grace.  And He continues to hold me as I work through my grief.  But eventually, Corinth was in my arms, and the anticipation of another child was gone. And there I was in the hallway again.

 

It is sad for me to admit that there was another period of darkness.  I wish I could say that Corinth’s birth made everything right again.  But not only is that untrue, it would diminish Annabelle’s value and take away from the huge work God was doing in me.  But I had to do some work too, and I was blessed with a great therapist, and eventually my heart began to soften again and I could see that the hallway, however long and dark, wasn’t empty or purposeless.

I’m still in it; but the difference this time is I’m not desperately grasping for control or a sign that He’s with me.  I can feel Him here in moments were I’m at peace even when I shouldn’t be (what can I say, I’m a fear-driven, anxiety-ridden worrier when I’m the one in control, so if you see something different, that’s His Spirit at work in me). 

Let me be clear.  I didn’t have an epiphany.  I didn’t get on my knees and beg God for His peace like I should have a million times.  It took quite a long time, but I finally reached a place where I was able to notice Him standing with me.  What a precious gift is His quiet presence.  He gave me words when I didn’t have them, He prompted me to encourage others where I felt weakest, He gave me pause when I wanted to strive for the next thing.  In His unfailing mercy, He reached out because I was too busy spinning my own wheels to notice Him on my own. 

I know the analogy of the hallway breaks down pretty quickly, because who really wants to hang out in there – but life isn’t just a series of “what’s nexts.”  Rushing from one place to the next, I’m likely to miss the quiet moments that are meant to help me focus, to slow down, and to hear where God actually wants me to go.  It stops me from taking a moment to feel God’s presence, remember that He’s the one in control, and experience His joy in making a step forward.

Hallways come in all shapes and sizes…and I wanted to share some other hallways I have found myself in.

-        There’s the “in-between” jeans – or maybe even still maternity jeans because...whatever.  But in moments of trust, I can trade my mom-bod shame sometimes for acceptance and sometimes for motivation.  Even if they don’t change my actual size.

-       There’s the 6pm crazies where frustration can actually give way to excitement as we anticipate Daddy’s arrival home…
There’s the 17^th time Corey’s gotten out of bed in the last 30 minutes where exacerbation threatens my sanity because I just want to sit down…but, when I take a moment, God is there to give me patience when my reserves are empty.  To see that sweet face peaking around the corner because he just wants another hug.  To sing him another song.  To watch him run back to his bed, doggie in tow, because he really doesn’t want a spank…

-        There’s the waiting for the next baby.  Where only God can take your despair as you weep into His arms.  
The doors don’t always open.  Sometimes you stay in the hallway.  But He is always in it with you and He is always good.

It’s probably no coincidence that we have family photos in our hallway.  They do tell some of the story of our family, but we can’t ever have a photo with our whole family together.  Still, I can pause there and praise God for taking the time to make His presence known and remind me that when I stop focusing on the dissatisfaction of where I am now, I can bring Him glory, even in the hallway.

3 Goodnights

It's been awhile since I've written, partially because I've just been busy or had my mind elsewhere, but partly because I've ignored the urge to do so.  Sometimes I just don't know what, how much, or when to share.  So here's a short thought for you today.  A little bit of sad, but a whole lot of love.

Every night, I tuck my children in.  Even if Corey has been up 217 times, I have to tuck him in before I can settle into my own dreams.  Even if I snuggled Makayla for "just one more minute," I have to hold my hands out over her and ask God's protection over her thoughts as she sleeps.

Since Makayla was a tiny baby, I got into the habit of asking God to station His angels around her bed as she sleeps.  I've continued doing so for each of my children.  It's such a vulnerable time, both physically and mentally.  It's also a very receptive time when the heart and mind are quiet and open.  I pray that God would watch over my children and impress His wisdom upon them.  I pray they would know Him even now and live out their lives within His will.

After Annabelle passed, I ran into a bit of a conundrum at tuck-in and prayer time.  She no longer needs God's protection since she is in His very presence.  But as I leave Corey's room each night, I pass her picture, blow her a kiss, and ask that I can be a good Mama to her memory, because that I have the privilege of carrying forever.  Sometimes I cry, and sometimes I smile...but every night I know she's tucked in too.

Sweet dreams, dear Annabelle

Death, here is your sting.

O death, where is your victory?

O death, where is your sting?

1 Corinthians 15:55

For fellow churchgoers, it probably rolls off the tongue like any other hymnal colloquialism we've heard every Easter since youth (and many times between).  But something stirs in me when I hear it.  Something painful.

October 24th, 2013.
We woke up in the morning with the same gratitude for another day mixed with fear of what was to come.  We ate breakfast and played like we still had time.  But we didn't.  And then she was gone.  And there has been a hole in our family ever since.  And there will be forever.

Sometimes I feel like I'm living two different lives.

One where I have the most amazing children and there is laughter in my home.  I experience the same highs and lows as any stay home mom.  I'm learning to be a mom while my kids are learning to be kids...because the moment you figure it out, they grow and change.

And then there's the other life where my daughter is dead.  And the weight of that reality is crushing.

But it's one life.  All messily entangled so that I can be laughing at the sillyness one minute and crying over the loss the next.

One day I have my emotions in check. Maybe too controlled, so that I become ridgid, detached, afraid to feel.  The next, my emotions get the better of me and I expend what's left of my energy fighting against them.

It's been more than two years and the world has moved on.  Sometimes I sense the "get over it" sentiment.  Maybe it's just my own projection - my response to the fact that I don't know myself how to do this.  Insecurity heaped upon insecurity.

I have come back to this post many times, wondering if it's the right one to finish. I'll admit I've allowed myself to sit in bitterness over the last few months, angry with the world that seems all too eager to see silver linings where there are none. Or make a tourniquet look like a neat bow around an open wound.

We want resolution. We crave it and we will find it.  Don't you love to feel good about sad stories that are somehow redeemed? Those Facebook posts where someone is holding up signs showing the world how they have overcome insurmountable odds...we just love the happy endings.

God uses all things for good, remember?

But what I've come to notice is that we are generally unwilling to look at a situation and say - no, that was bad.  That was not good.  That was not what God wanted for my life, for my child's life.

What did Jesus do when Lazarus died?  He wept.

Jesus.  Who raised Lazarus from the dead.  Who knew His own power over death.  Who knew that even if Lazarus never lived again on earth, they would spend eternity together in Heaven.  He wept.  Because it was sad.  It was tragic.  It was not good.

So why are we so resistant to feeling sad?  So eager to wrap it up and see the good.  So eager to move on.

Death does sting.

It stings every time I have to answer the typically innocuous question, "How many kids do you have?"
It stings every time I post a picture of my kids, knowing one beautiful, valubable, wonderful little girl is missing.
It stings when I meet someone new and have to decide what to say, what not to say.
It stings when I hear my 4 year old say, "Mommy, I miss my Annabelle."
   My 4 year old whose world view already includes death.  Already knows the depth of loss...
It stings when I think that my son will never meet his sister.
It stings in the hot tears that betray my attempt at control.
It stings in the jealousy that leaps up more often than I wish to admit.
It stings in the silence of night and the hustle of broad day.
It stings.

The only resolution is to turn to Jesus.
Who sees me crossing my arms and saying, "maybe I just need to be mad for a while."
Who knows, first hand, my pain.
Who felt it and feels it still.
Who also sees the victory.
He who, through tortuous submission, gave everything to take the sting of death by defeating it.
He is gracious enough to allow me to feel sad and angry and hurt because it wasn't His plan.

Death had no part in His hope for creation. Just because he knew it would happen doesn't mean it was what he wanted.

Ryan helped me remember the importance of context.

"When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, 

then shall come to pass the saying that is written.

Death is swallowed up in victory.

O death, where is your victory?

O death, where is your sting?

Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain."

1 Corinthians 15:54-58

Tis the Season

I tend to get pretty grumpy around Halloween time.  You see, Thanksgiving is my favorite.  But rather than getting to enjoy the beauty of Fall (well, actually the hot, dry, static of California Fall...), I start feeling the Christmas pressure the moment the pumpkin spice latte memes begin their internet rotation.

I love Thanksgiving for a number of reasons.  First and foremost, the candied yams.  But also because it's really the only holiday that isn't about getting something.  It's a day we can sit back and enjoy food and family without the chaos of wrapping paper remains or candy comas.  And now that we have kids, I want to share the simplicity of Thanksgiving and impress upon them the importance of being thankful when the world is rushing to spend, spend, spend, and get, get, get.

And as the Christmas sales threaten my serenity, I want to jump on the "reason for the season" band wagon with the best of them.

But this year, as I watched Makayla's eyes widen at the first sight of twinkling lights (I think it was October 1st), I felt myself wanting to be annoyed...but actually getting the teeniest bit excited for the sparkle.

When she was eager to get prize after prize at the Halloween carnival, I had to stop and remind myself that every other day of the year, she's a giver.  Truthfully.  Every day she makes crafts for her friends, draws pictures for me, gives hugs, offers the first bite of her dessert...she has a generous heart. (She's human...and 4...but honestly, she's amazing.)

When she got tired of me asking her "what are you thankful for?" I had to stop and consider that we pray each night, giving thanks for all we have.

When she made Santa's sleigh and reindeer using the nativity figures I nearly corrected her.  But then something hit me. 

[Oh, she knows that Christmas is really Jesus' birthday.  She's been throwing Him party after party.  But that's not even the point.]

I realized that she loves Jesus every day of the year.  She learns about Him at Sunday school each week.  We talk about Him and to Him each day.  She loves the Lord all year long.  Her belief in Santa and her excitement about the sparkle and magic of the holidays don't threaten that.

I want to raise her to be thankful and generous and thoughtful all year long.  But I don't need to squash the fun of the holidays to do that.

I've had time to reflect and see what society values as the shopping insanity begins earlier and earlier.  But she has no clue about that.  She is just excited.  Legitimately excited about a time of year when things are extra shiny and she gets to help her daddy decorate with lights.

For an entire year now, she has been saving coins in her piggy bank to buy ice skates.  But last night we saw Santa and when he asked her want she wanted for Christmas - without a moment of hesitation - she replied, "ice skates!"  Walking away she told us, "if Santa brings me ice skates, I'll have lots of money to save for something else!"  That's not greed.  That's just good business.

***

So I'm letting myself off the hook.

It's not my job to remind her every moment of the month of November that we should be thankful for what we have.  

It's my job to stop everything, praise God quietly, and smother her with hugs when she tells me, "Mommy, I'm so thankful for my brother."  

I don't have to be embarrassed when she points at 10 different toys when her grandmother asks what she'd like for Christmas.  

It's my job to show her gratitude when she gives me gifts. 

I don't have to fear that she will become greedy and ungenerous because she wants gifts at Christmas.

It's my job to encourage her generosity and show her how to be kind. 

It's not necessary to pound into her that Jesus is the reason for the season.

It's my job to teach her that He is the author, creator, and perfecter of everything. All the time.

Being a grump about the holiday sparkle probably never brought anyone to see the true light.

***

I hate to admit it, but I think this year Christmas might be my favorite.  As long as I get to make candied yams again.

Apple pie

The majority of my posts revolve around my grief. This is primarily because I started writing to work through that grief, and the joys of daily life don't need as much processing as the dark moments. 

But I was thinking...I titled this blog grief and hope. When I did that I had in mind our adoption, but that's not to say there isn't a mixture of grief and hope that continues day to day. Perhaps titling it "life" would have meant much the same thing to many...yes, we have a specific grief that I will continue to address because it is a very present reality for me...but every day I am given challenges and joys and those might be worthy of discussion too. I'm not entirely certain, but maybe I'll try it out. 

So on to apple pie.

Yesterday we spent the better part of the day in Arrowhead. Wait...let me back up. A week ago, I decided we needed to escape the impending heatwave by spending the weekend in the mountains. After much hemming and hawing and figuring and vrbo searching, we decided a day in Arrowhead was a better option. (Why the back story? Because maybe I'm bad at making decisions and maybe that's  part of the story. It isn't the perfect FB photo where we're all smiling and eating a giant pretzel. It's a little indecision and disappointment too.) 

So on Saturday we headed out without much pre-event panic (I'm a pro at that). 

We had fun. The weather was lovely. Makayla got carsick both up and down the mountain, but we were prepared for that! Corey freaked out on the way down the mountain (poor guy's nose was plugged and I'm guessing the pressure was not his friend), but after a brief panic, I squeezed into the back and we cooed at each other until he fell asleep. 

It was a great day! 

But when we were browsing a store, Makayla pointed to a picture: 

"Mommy, that lady has a frustrated face just like you!"

It stopped me. Not because I never recognize that I get "frustrated," but because she so quickly equated me with the image. 

That evening I decided to teach her to make apple pie...at the same time I was making dinner. Guess what? I got frustrated. After she went to bed, I took the pie out and I had burnt the Dutch topping. Frustrated again. 

This morning I got the kiddos ready and off to church by myself, but not until after getting...you guessed it...frustrated. 

On our way home, Makayla was grumpy and it was already 95 out - the perfect combo to trigger me - so I screamed a little on the inside and tickled Makayla till she complied with the seatbelt. Then, anticipating her behavior at home, I made activity suggestions rather than punishment threats. I still got frustrated, but I'm pretty sure she didn't see it that time. 

In reality, she's going to see me get frustrated. Probably a whole lot. And the only reason she even knows what to call it is because I've stopped and acknowledged it; even apologized if the situation warranted it. This isn't about me reinventing my parenting or my behavior or even my attitude...its just a little piece of our real life. 

I love how aware Makayla is. It's also really challenging because I can't put anything past her! So I'll say the same prayer tonight as I do every night- 

"Lord give me the wisdom to be the mom Makayla needs me to be. Help me to be a better mom tomorrow than I was today."

But before that, Makayla and I are going to share an irresponsibly large slice of homemade apple pie.