A new picture of family

Makayla knows far more about loss and death than I would like her to.  In fact, I would guess that I would have tried my very best to shelter her for as long as possible from such sad subjects, had they not burst into our lives so suddenly.

When Annabelle passed, I had no idea what to say to Makayla or how to address her questions.  I still don't most of the time.  But there has been huge transformation in the way I speak to Makayla, and in my own understanding.  Death is a sad thing, yes.  However, at least for the person who died, it's not a bad thing.  Annabelle is not in pain, or confused, or lonely.  We are because she is not with us, and that is something we live with.  But Makayla has an amazing picture of what her family looks like now.

Yesterday, as we were coloring together, she asked me to draw her family (please refrain from artistic judgement).  

Draw Makayla.

Holding the baby.

With Daddy next to me.

And Mommy too.

And draw Jesus in the sky holding Annabelle.

This is Makayla's family.  And it is normal to her.  Yes, my heart breaks because I know what she has missed by not having her sister with her.  But it also swells with pride because Makayla knows her sister.  She loves her sister.  

I'm going to be honest.  As thrilled as I am to be expecting another child, I am fearful that the excitement will somehow diminish Annabelle's memory.  Logically, I know it is untrue, but the fear is there.  This picture may not be the one I dreamed of when we started our family, but it reminds me that Annabelle is coming with us on this new journey, even if only in memory.

Makayla often prays for her new baby.  Many times I've heard "Dear Heavenly (sounds like Heavy) Father, please let Annabelle stay in Heaven and help the baby stay here and come out soon."  How often my tears are mixed with laughter thanks to the genuine heart of my beautiful little girl.  A few weeks ago, Makayla was babbling on about how much she loves the new baby when she stopped suddenly and declared, "I'm not sad anymore, Mommy.  Are you sad anymore?"  Thankfully I was driving, so she couldn't see the wreck that was my face.  My heart was simultaneously leaping with joy and tearing over the sadness my sweet girl has endured, and in fear of all the what-ifs.  

Oh my dear girl, I wish I could protect you from all the pain in the world.  

And so I guess we just keep moving forward with this strangely beautiful picture of a family that I never would have drawn, were Heaven not as real to Makayla as Placentia.