2 months and 9 days

So it happened.  Time did not stop, and Corinth is older than Annabelle.

It's one of those strange milestones that produces polar emotions.  I have been nervously anticipating it, wondering how the reality will feel, trying to decide how I'm supposed to feel, worrying that I won't feel anything.

Annabelle gave us 2 months and 8 days.  Aside from the first 2 days when ignorance reigned, those days were marked largely by fear, sadness, and anxiety.  We did all we could to make them days full of love and memories, and I do believe we succeeded.  But there is no denying the fact that everyday we were watching and waiting for disaster.  And then that day came.  It happened, beyond our control, no matter how loudly we protested.

And so I certainly feel something.  How I would love to have had more days with Annabelle.  She is a big sister and should be days away from celebrating her 2nd birthday.  Instead, she is forever a baby.  Forever 2 months and 8 days old.

But I also have a beautiful, healthy baby boy.  Although Annabelle had 2 ounces on him at birth, Corey is a million times stronger than she ever could be.  He laughs, he smiles, he kicks and threatens to roll over.  The more he grows, the more I realize how much we missed.  He is growing.  And he will continue to grow.  He will get stronger,  he will get older, he will get to stay.  How many families, including my own, take that fact for granted.  I'm not sure I've really believed it...I even caught Makayla saying "while Corey is here..."  But he's not going anywhere, praise God.

I'm not supposed to feel one thing or other.  But I do feel.  I feel loss.  I feel sadness that my beautiful daughter isn't here.  I feel relief that Corey and Makayla are.  And I think that's it.

In most ways, it's just another day and there will be a million like it.  Days that don't include Annabelle.  Days that do include two wonderful, healthy kids.  There will be good and bad, but time won't stop.

That is all.