Monday, September 1, 2014

Why did Jesus say no?

August was many things.  Empty.  Full.  Joyful.  Heartbreaking.

But every month is those things, really.  I knew, logically, that taking a break from the "world" was just that - a little break from which we would return and not much would have changed.  Yet, secretly, if I am not too ashamed to admit it, I hoped that it really would make a difference.  That maybe things would be easier after we survived THE month.  But, in most ways, it was just August.  I suppose that's ok.  A lesson learned, if nothing else.

Don't get me wrong, I think we got a lot from turning inward this month.  We had many good family moments and it really was refreshing not to worry about what anyone else was doing or thinking.  This may sound selfish, but for me it's part of moving forward.

There was a lot of anxiety as the days approached Annabelle's birthday.  August 16th was difficult, but not in ways I assumed it would be.  We chose not to celebrate corporately.  Instead, we took a family bike ride, picked up some flowers (M picked a large, pink bouquet), and took Annabelle's photo album to her grave to sit and remember quietly for a time.

On our way there, Makayla said with straightforward innocence: "Mommy, you just need to ask Jesus for Annabelle back."

It's one of those statements that makes time stand still.

"We did, sweetie.  He said no."

Oh how very imperfect and ignorant we are.  The thing that rocked me the most is that she's really right.  He could deliver her back just as easy as that.  I don't have a clue how it all works, I just know that we begged and the answer was no.  Not here. Not now.  So instead, we sat at a tiny grave and remembered her.  Makayla hugged me, patted my back, and said, "it's okay, I miss her too."  I cried for Annabelle.  I cried for myself.  I cried for Makayla.

The next day time stopped again.  "Why did Jesus say no, Mommy?"

"I don't know."  And so we continue to learn how little we really know.  How little we control.  How little we can even imagine.  I pray that Makayla maintains her faith - not just hope, but real faith, knowing that Jesus can heal, can perform miracles, even when His answer is sometimes no.

There are times when it's hard to see past the difficulties.  But there are other times characterized by smiles.  New memories for new photo books...This month also held many fun adventures and a lot of hope for the future of our family.




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