First of all, I must admit that I really want to spend the whole post talking about shots. Yes shots. Exactly 100. But I won't, because I want you to think that I'm a hero, and the reality is that I am not. Ryan might be a hero for administering said shots and then enduring the rage of hormonal insanity that ensued. Makayla might be a hero for enduring along with him. But I'm not the hero here.
The reality is, in the bigger picture of all we've been through, the meds were the tiniest inconvenience. But perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself...if you know nothing of our adoption, you might be very confused as to why I'm talking about meds in the first place, so let me begin again.
Our adoption is complete, and it is in progress.
In January, we made a phone call to Nightlight Christian Adoptions indicating our interest in their Snowflakes program for embryo adoption. In March, we received the Home Study packet, and we were meeting with the social worker for our home visit and final reports in May. In June we matched with a family. All these steps are akin to the traditional adoption process. However, our family didn't have an infant or a child to place in our care, they had 3 frozen lives, waiting to be given a chance.
As opposed to donated gametes (eggs and sperm), embryos are fertilized eggs, already conceived (in this case, in a lab), and multiplying, dividing, growing. Ours were 6-day old blastocysts, the most "mature" stage at which embryos are typically frozen.
In July, we took custody of these embryos after they were over-nighted to our fertility clinic...can you begin to imagine the insanity of it all? Tiniest lives in a dry-shipper, traveling cross-country to their potential family...I'm sure Ray Bradbury could have written an entire book about it. But despite all the sci-fi strangeness of it, this is how we took custody of our future children, and in August, I began preparing medically for the transfer process.
At this point, it became a "regular" Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) that is typical of IVF cycles. Medically, it didn't matter that these children will bear no genetic resemblance to their parents (US!), and on September 19th, we went in for the transfer. Modern freezing techniques are very effective, but that does not mean that all embryos will thrive. None of our embryos were genetically screened, so the doctor gave us low odds of success. The first embryo, having been frozen using an old technique, did not survive. That left 2 and we determined to thaw and transfer them together. Two weeks later, I was confirmed pregnant, and a week after that we had an ultrasound determining that 1 embryo had implanted and was growing.
In June we will welcome our third child into the family. Praise God from whom all blessings flow! Yes, even this crazy, scientifically complex process, was part of His blessing to our family. He has put us (a family to whom adoption was entirely foreign less than a year ago) on this path, and He has opened every door along the way.
There have been many emotions along the way. Some families feel deep loss for the embryos that do not survive, others are more "objective" about their chances. I would guess I fall somewhere in the middle. Yes, I am deeply disappointed that all 3 little lives, who each had the same potential, did not survive. But I also understand that no matter how an embryo is conceived, there are many - around 50% actually - that do not develop into a sustainable pregnancy. I felt particular sadness for the embryo that was transferred but did not implant. But I am also overwhelmed with the joy of one little life growing inside of me. It really is a miracle.
Now, I'm just pregnant. Hah. To say that...just pregnant. I had to go through the same vomitous weeks that I endured with Makayla and Annabelle. I have to wait the same 40+ weeks. And the baby, in all respects legally and socially, will be mine when it is born.
Our "adoption" is really not a legal process for embryos. Legally, all that had to occur was a transfer of property. We chose to go through the entire adoption process through an agency for many reasons, but that doesn't mean the government views our embryos as life. At my 9 week ultrasound, I could clearly see arms, legs, ears, spinal chord, independent movement; I could hear it's beautiful heartbeat. But these clear signs of life don't prove to the world that this baby - this miracle that was frozen for 6 years - is alive. But I digress from the purpose of this post...
Our adoption is still in progress, because our baby is not in our arms yet. But this child, no matter it's genetic origins, is wholly ours.
We do get some "FAQs" about our adoption so let me see if I can't anticipate your curiosities:
- The baby is Caucasian. (yep, you wanted to know)
- We do have a relationship with the genetic family. Right now that means e-mails and will mean photos once baby is born. In the future, we are open to meeting so that the genetic siblings can have a relationship with one another.
- We will be open about the child's origins from the very beginning. Obviously, it will be a process of understanding, but adoption will be a normal term in our family.
- I have the same risks during this pregnancy as in any pregnancy. At this point, it is no different than a "normal" pregnancy.
- There is no adoption finalization required for embryo adoption. We are required to have a follow-up Home Visit and submit 3 post-birth updates, but in legal terms, our adoption is final.
- Want to know more about embryo adoption? http://www.embryoadoption.org/
- Want to know more about Nightlight Christian Adoptions? https://www.nightlight.org/ They do all types of adoptions.
It has been a whirlwind the last few months and I know this pregnancy will seem particularly long because of all the time we spent anticipating and preparing...but here we are. I am pregnant, and we will have another child. God heard us and He answered. He showed us a way and is ever present in the midst of our worries.
As much as I try to focus on the positives of each passing week, fear is still very present. I was an overprotective worrier before we lost Annabelle, and now I feel the depth of my lack of control even more. It is something that has forced me into the faithful arms of the Father. I often try to pick myself up, but there is no earthly comfort that can ease my spirit. That doesn't mean my fears are gone. I trusted God, and Annabelle died anyway. I know that there are a million things that could go wrong with this pregnancy...with life. But the only thing I know for certain is that nothing can give me rest from these fears but my trusting God. Let me be real. God's purpose is not to bring me happiness. If it were, why would I still trust in Him after He allowed Annabelle to die? I am no saint, and it is not easy, but my life is meant to bring God glory. That's why I share this crazy mess we're in.
If you want to know more about any of this, feel free to send me a message...there's only so much I can type, but I would love to share more about our story, our struggles, our hopes, and God's redeeming love.
Please pray for Ryan, Makayla, Baby, and I!
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