The hardest pictures for me to look at are the ones before we knew about SMA. There is something about the innocence in our smiles, the carefree happiness, the joy without worry...I'm envious of our past selves.
Today at VBS we talked about Creation...It might seem silly, but I feel a little bit like Eve. One moment she was secure, content, innocent. And then she wasn't. There are obvious differences in our situations, but I can empathize with the ache she must have felt to turn back the clock, to start over. For us though, no decision could have changed Annabelle's fate. And my heart rips a little each time I look at pictures of my growing belly. She was so safe in there. And yet she wasn't. The disease that took her from us was already doing its terrible work, even from within.
I have wanted to write several times this month, but my thoughts are confused. I am pulled in different directions and I can't seem to quiet my mind long enough to organize the chaos.
As we approach August I am so terribly sad. We should be planning a 1st and 3rd birthday bash for my August girls. Makayla is so excited about her birthday - she declares her plans to all and is liberal with her invitations! I think about the little play date we had for her last year - it was a billion degrees and I was 40 weeks pregnant, but I was so happy. This year I don't feel much in the celebration mood, but my little girl is going to be 3. She wants a strawberry cake and games. And strawberry cake and games she will get.
8 days later we will remember the day Annabelle was born. But she won't be here for us to celebrate. And I am so very sad. I don't even know what else to say.
Ryan makes a video slide show every year - it's a big deal and he usually shows it on or around new years. 2013 remained half-completed for a long time. But this weekend he finished it and we were able to sit and watch it as a family. The hardest parts are still the pictures of before our innocence was lost. I remember the pukey weeks in winter, my growing belly in spring, and Makayla's growing excitement in summer. You know what she wanted most? For Sister to sit in the shopping cart next to her. But she never did. And that ridiculous little detail breaks my heart.
We have had many happy times since we learned about SMA. We had happy times with Annabelle, and we have had happy times since she died. But something struck me as I watched last year in review - something I hadn't felt before - a sense of guilt over the smiles that came after her death. Family "squish" pictures that should have 4 silly faces, but only have 3 grinning ones...and then there are times like now when I just can't imagine how we can smile without her here.
Right now is "nap time." Makayla is in her bed belting out "The Big God Story" and teaching her dollies to dance.
Jesus loves me,
made all I see,
wanted me to be
part of the Big God Story.
And I am thankful for the happy times, and for Makayla's sweet innocence.
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