There isn't a manual

You could say it about a lot of things, but it's true...there isn't a manual for this stuff.  No one prepares for living with the death of their child.  I have spent plenty of time fussing over what other people say (and should NOT say), but I've been struck with the fact that, often, I don't know what to say.

How many children do you have?  Is Makayla your only child?

I've been asked these questions many times - it's just polite banter.  The grocery clerk, the mom at the park, the server at a restaurant, even strangers just passing by - I never noticed how often people asked these kinds of questions until I realized I wasn't really sure how to respond.

Do I awkwardly avoid the question and redirect the conversation?  Outright lying minimizes Annabelle's rightful place in our family and breaks my heart so I'd never do that.  Do I tell the truth?  Of course.  Why would I lie? I have 2 daughters.  Makayla is a big sister.

Oh, is the little one home with Grandma? or How old are they?

No one means a thing - just normal chit-chat.  I can't lie...so do I enter the uncomfortable realm of the truth?  It kills the atmosphere, no matter what.  (For the record, I'm not the least bit afraid to share about my beautiful Annabelle, and I will discuss just about anything in the right time and right place...but these passing conversations with acquaintances are tricky to navigate.)

No, she passed away in October.  or Makayla is almost 3 and Annabelle was 2 months old when she passed away.

There are a few ways people respond.  Some people aren't really listening.  It's true - I've gotten the strangest follow-up questions that make it abundantly clear my words have fallen on deaf, or perhaps just distracted ears.  Just layering on the awkward...Some seem appalled by their own ignorance and apologize profusely for asking...ugh, now I feel guilty.  Others launch into 2nd, 3rd, 4th-hand stories about friends (I've yet to encounter another stranger who has a similar story...perhaps we just know not to ask those innocent questions).  On more than one occasion, I've been subjected to long stories about late pets...can I just say that this tests the limits of my composure?  No.  No.  No.  I don't care how long Brixie was in your family, it isn't the same.

Most of the time, it's awkward.  One or the other becomes overly apologetic (can you picture that pity face?) or overly dismissive just to get through a few minutes of meaningless conversation, and both are relieved when it's over.  I don't blame these people and I hope they don't blame me either - there just aren't 5 simple steps to follow.  But - and it's a really big but - there are some out there who can handle such interactions with incredible grace.  They can quietly share their condolences, and I can thank them for their kindness and experience relief in being able to share the truth.

I had one such interaction just last week.  Let me just say that being able to talk with someone in passing (not the open heart conversations you have with your closest friends), but also honestly without destroying the day...that was such a huge gift.  She wasn't appalled by my honesty.  She was sorry, truly sorry, but also respectfully interested.  It's ok to ask what happened.  Do I want to pour out the details at the grocery store?  No.  However, if you want to know, it's ok to ask.  I promise, I have the short version, too.  It's not going to make me sadder.  It's not going to re-open wounds.  They're already open.  And, frankly, if they've truly healed, then poking them won't hurt any more than usual.  Tears are ok.  They're not necessary, but they're ok.  Sobbing in public - weird.  Probably need to deal with something if there's weeping going on at random (this is why church is often SO hard for me).  And the best way to respond when you don't know what to say is to say nothing at all.

The long and the short of it is, I don't expect anyone to know how to do it all.  I just realized that I've learned quite a lot along the way and, rather than writing a scathing book about the ridiculous ways people do respond, it would be more productive to share the good examples.  (I'm not saying I'm above writing that book though...) At the same time, maybe it would help the world to know that we don't know how to do it either.