Apple pie

The majority of my posts revolve around my grief. This is primarily because I started writing to work through that grief, and the joys of daily life don't need as much processing as the dark moments. 

But I was thinking...I titled this blog grief and hope. When I did that I had in mind our adoption, but that's not to say there isn't a mixture of grief and hope that continues day to day. Perhaps titling it "life" would have meant much the same thing to many...yes, we have a specific grief that I will continue to address because it is a very present reality for me...but every day I am given challenges and joys and those might be worthy of discussion too. I'm not entirely certain, but maybe I'll try it out. 

So on to apple pie.

Yesterday we spent the better part of the day in Arrowhead. Wait...let me back up. A week ago, I decided we needed to escape the impending heatwave by spending the weekend in the mountains. After much hemming and hawing and figuring and vrbo searching, we decided a day in Arrowhead was a better option. (Why the back story? Because maybe I'm bad at making decisions and maybe that's  part of the story. It isn't the perfect FB photo where we're all smiling and eating a giant pretzel. It's a little indecision and disappointment too.) 

So on Saturday we headed out without much pre-event panic (I'm a pro at that). 

We had fun. The weather was lovely. Makayla got carsick both up and down the mountain, but we were prepared for that! Corey freaked out on the way down the mountain (poor guy's nose was plugged and I'm guessing the pressure was not his friend), but after a brief panic, I squeezed into the back and we cooed at each other until he fell asleep. 

It was a great day! 

But when we were browsing a store, Makayla pointed to a picture: 

"Mommy, that lady has a frustrated face just like you!"

It stopped me. Not because I never recognize that I get "frustrated," but because she so quickly equated me with the image. 

That evening I decided to teach her to make apple pie...at the same time I was making dinner. Guess what? I got frustrated. After she went to bed, I took the pie out and I had burnt the Dutch topping. Frustrated again. 

This morning I got the kiddos ready and off to church by myself, but not until after getting...you guessed it...frustrated. 

On our way home, Makayla was grumpy and it was already 95 out - the perfect combo to trigger me - so I screamed a little on the inside and tickled Makayla till she complied with the seatbelt. Then, anticipating her behavior at home, I made activity suggestions rather than punishment threats. I still got frustrated, but I'm pretty sure she didn't see it that time. 

In reality, she's going to see me get frustrated. Probably a whole lot. And the only reason she even knows what to call it is because I've stopped and acknowledged it; even apologized if the situation warranted it. This isn't about me reinventing my parenting or my behavior or even my attitude...its just a little piece of our real life. 

I love how aware Makayla is. It's also really challenging because I can't put anything past her! So I'll say the same prayer tonight as I do every night- 

"Lord give me the wisdom to be the mom Makayla needs me to be. Help me to be a better mom tomorrow than I was today."

But before that, Makayla and I are going to share an irresponsibly large slice of homemade apple pie.